But you can mock it.
Oh, how you can mock it.
And that's just what Peter Segal and the rest of his ever-ready pack of pop culture cronies (I say that with deep love and respect) did on last week's episode of "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me!" (Best. Radio News Quiz. Ever.).
So here, for your reading pleasure, is that lovely little send-up:
Peter Segal: With Twilight movie number two, New Moon, the series continues its redefinition of vampires. Instead of horrible monsters of the undead, they are unemployed Abercrombie & Fitch Catalog models who sparkle ... They SPARKLE!
And instead of human blood, I believe they drink Red Bull and Vodka.
In this new movie, the vampires are opposed by some monsters from a rival modeling agency. It ends when all the creatures of the night realize what they've been repressing and move in together in a loft in Chelsea.
I'm worried because I'm afraid for our children. What if they ever run into a real vampire? You'll find them lying there on the ground, drained of blood, and they'll be saying, "But I thought he would sparkle ... "
Crony 1 (Old "Never Heard of Twilight" Crony): These Vampires don't bite, is that right?
Crony 2 (Twilight Roadie Crony): Well, they do, yeah ... they have to use restraint with those who they love not to bite.
Crony 3 (Clueless Blonde Crony): What's the sparkle part? I'm so old, I don't ...
Crony 2: When they're in the sun, they sparkle ... What's the matter with you?
Peter: Apparently, these vampires, they don't disintegrate and die in the sun ... as vampires should!
Crony 1: Well, do they have that whole element of driving a stake through the heart ...
Crony 3: ... and garlic and crosses ...
Crony 2: No, they don't have that.
Peter: You see what I mean? Look, you've got to feel bad at this point for, like, the traditional vampires, like Nosferatu ... I mean, he can't get a victim. All the girls are like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't let you bite my neck. I think of you as my best, horrific-looking friend. You're the vampire I can talk to ... you know ..."
Crony 2: I think, really, that position was already taken by the Count from Sesame Street, don't you?
Oh, the joys of impromptu mockery.
As if that weren't good enough, though, the segment ended with a clip from a nice techno vampire love fest of a song that included the following lyrics (click here for Youtube music video*):
I forgot to wear my cross tonight, I left my garlic at home
It's so dumb, but it's so fun to wander 'round the city alone
I'm runnin', fallin' down, chase me all around this town
And now you've finally got me ... what am I to do?
Sexy Vampire, I'm falling in love
So just bite me, baby, and drink all my blood (oh yeah)
Sexy Vampire, I'm falling in love with you
So do what you want to do
Let's hear it for Team "Whatever I Can Get!"
* NOTE 1: I haven't watched the Youtube video yet, so no guarantees.
1 comment:
Thanks for posting this! I heard the radio show and wanted to share it with my kids, it was hilarious. Amazing impromptu satire.
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